What is Masking?
What exactly is Autistic Masking?
It is also important to remember that masking is common with adhders too, and it is especially prevalent amongst AuDHDers.
audhd refers to an autistic adhd individual
Let’s get into it
Masking is something that is extremely common in the autistic / adhd community, especially amongst afab* people.
Masking is a way to camouflage yourself in society.
It is used as a way to hide the “weird” parts of yourself to better fit in with your peers, to “blend in”.
Unknown to us at the time, our “weird” parts are our autistic / adhd traits.
Everyone masks a little at times, it’s similar to using a “customer service voice” at work. You do this to come across professional, and then you take the “work mask” off at the end of the day. The difference for autistic / adhd people, is that the mask doesn’t come off. (at least not without a lot of hard work) It’s not just a little thing we do, it becomes a fundamental part of our identity. So much so that we often have very limited sense of self.
Masking isn’t something we use a little here and there, it’s something that is ingrained into us, and more often than not, we feel that need to spend our entire lives hiding in order fit in, even though the chances of actually appearing ‘non-autistic’ are slim.
Masking can involve mimicking behaviours around us such as body language, facial expressions and developing intense social scripts which in turn makes us extremely hyper-vigilant. It can also mean suppressing our behaviours such as stimming or hiding our interests. For many of us, it can lead to prolonged periods of burn out / shut downs, as well as increasing the chances of developing mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, OCD and more.
It often starts in early childhood as a subconscious response to social trauma.
So, can we stop masking?
The short answer is, yes.
The longer answer is, yes we can stop masking but it takes significant work, it isn’t easy and can often be isolating.
How do we unmask?
Unlearning shame - We are so conditioned to be ashamed of our autistic traits that it can feel like the only thing to do is hide them away. To be ashamed or embarrassed of them. In order to begin to unmask, you need to unlearn the shame. It’s one thing to accept that other people exhibit these traits, but it is so much harder to accept that within ourselves.
Experiencing passion - We as autistic people are often told to “tone it down” when it comes to being excited or expressing joy. Unmasking is letting go of that voice, ignoring the judgement from others and allowing yourself to truly experience your passion to its full extent.
Identifying your values - Identifying your values can be confusing. I know for me it took a while to figure out what my actual values where, because I was so caught up in what I thought they should be. It may not be immediately obvious what your values are, but taking time to figure that out will help you on your unmasking journey, and will help you figure out who you are.
Being your authentic self - You may feel like you are losing yourself. Unmasking is a long hard journey that comes with its ups and downs. You can experience skill regression, you can lose friends, and it can feel extremely lonely.
However, even though it may take a while, you will gain true friendships, you will feel loved and accepted by others and more importantly, by yourself. You will experience pure happiness, and you will become the most authentic version of yourself.
Here are some tips for unmasking to get you started on your journey!
Go with your natural instinct/response when possible, instead of responding in a way you think you should
Accommodate for yourself, try out different stims, sensory aids, make notes of what works and what doesn’t
Start learning again, do things you know you enjoyed as a child, find things that really do make you happy
Don’t apologise for your autistic traits, you do not need to apologise for being autistic
Talk to other autistic people, ask them what helps them feel more comfortable and how they managed on their own unmasking journey
Figure out what bothers you, feeling anxious in busy environments, why? is it the noise? Try ear defenders, is it the light? Try sunglasses. Keep trying things until the accommodations feel right
Go about your day without trying to “read the minds” of other people.
Stim freely in private until it feels comfortable. If you repressed your stims, you may not know what stims are natural to you and it’s okay to take time to figure that out
Identify moments in your life you felt truly happy, what was happening? what is different now?
I hope this was a helpful start in learning about masking
Have a super good day,
Ads x
*afab - assigned female at birth
