Discussion vs Argument, Which is it?
Growing up I would often be told that I am "argumentative" or a phrase I heard often was "I'm not arguing with you over it." Which always came as a shock to me, because truth be told, 9 times out of 10 I truly didn't think an argument was occurring, I thought we were just having a conversation. To this day, I still don't truly know the difference. I mean, I do, but I still get caught in the "I'm not arguing" state.
I think a lot of it could come down to a tone regulation problem as well as the different communication style from ND* to NT.*
I enjoy having discussions with people, especially hearing other peoples perspective on things. I think having discussions is fun, it helps you learn things.
Being autistic and adhd greatly affects my communication skills, and leads me to be in situations that are seen as argumentative from a neurotypical point of view.
I will ask clarifying questions
Or I will ask people where they got the information from.
Saying things like "can you explain what you mean by that?" or "where did you learn that, can you show me?"
These types of questions can come off as argumentative, or can make the person you are talking to (usually a NT person) feel like they are being questioned or interrogated. When in reality, it's just a way in which a lot of autistic folk communicate, we need specifics, clarity, and we want to know all the information that we can. We aren't questioning you or your topic knowledge, we are just generally engaging in the conversation and asking questions because we're interested.
For me, and maybe other autistic adhd people, I talk with my hands a lot, especially when I am passionate about what I am discussing. This along with other traits such as
Talking loudly or to quietly due to difficult with volume control
Talking fast
Interrupting due to impulsive nature with ADHD
Interrupting due to fear of forgetting a statement
Tone regulation difficulties (regulating own town, understanding others tone)
Missing social cues
Inability to read facial expressions
It can come across as though we are arguing with you, when that won't be the case. Our disability creates a barrier when communicating with others, especially if they have a completely different communication style.
If you are having a conversation with an autistic (or adhd) person, and you feel as though you are arguing, ask them! Ask if they are meaning to come across this way, if it's an argument to them? if not, then discuss further why you feel that way. Autistic people struggle with social cues and may not realise that you are arguing with them or that they have come across a particular way.
Here are some things you can say to someone to check if you are having an argument vs discussion
Can we take a break from this conversation, I am feeling overwhelmed
I am just wanting to check that we are both on the same page during this talk, can I check if this is an argument?
I feel attacked and / under pressure, can we discuss the end goal of this talk
Are you feeling okay with the way this talk is going? What are your feelings right now?
I am just checking in to see if this is an argument or discussion as I am feeling confused
Do you want to continue this talk a little later, and have some time to think?
It is so difficult to understand the difference between discussions vs arguments, and from what I have learnt, the only "real" difference between the two is all to do with tone and the end goal of the discussion.
This can seem a little ableist at times due to advantage NT people have with the ability to regulate tone, so having check-ins during the talk can be really helpful.
Exampls of argument vs discussion
Here is an example of an "argument" between two people
Person 1 :you know that cows have best friends, isn't that cool
Person 2 :oh really, yeah thats cool, is that all cows?
Person 1 :umm, I guess so
Person 2 :hmm, I wonder what type of study they did to find that out, I wonder if it's actually true, do you have the resources for this?
Person 1 :what? no? I just thought it was a fun fact...
Person 2 :yeah it is cool, I just want to know how much of a fact it is, I want to learn more about it, do you know who did the study? where did you find the fact?
Person 1 :I'm not arguing with you over it, its just a silly fact for god sake.
Now, to me as an autistic adhd person, that seems like a general conversation, but to someone else this can be seen as argumentative.
I think this is because "person 1" feels as though we are questioning them and their character, as apposed to questioning the fact itself.
So how do we make this a discussion instead?
Honestly, I am not going to tell you that you need to learn to speak neurotypical or to stop asking questions during a discussion, because that's not right. I'm not here to fix us, we aren't broken.
The way to make that a discussion, is to say so. Use the phrases I gave previously, and just ask the other person if its a discussion if you are feeling confused.
And remember, that everyone has a different communication style, it's okay to ask questions.
Have a super good day ✨
Adelaide x
*ND - Neurodivergent
*NT - Neurotypical
