How much did I gain in Recovery?

So, the question everyone wants to ask someone in recovery is “how much did you gain”

If you clicked on this post hoping to read a little snippet of how much weight I gained, then first of all, why did you want to know that? And second of all, that is not at all what this post is going to be about.

With that being said, what I will be doing in this post is sharing with you everything that I did gain in recovery.

Starting off strong with: FOOD FREEDOM

If you are early in recovery you may not believe me when I say food freedom is possible.

I began recovery in 2020 & food freedom felt impossible. But as I sit here writing this in 2024, I can honestly say that I am significantly closer to food freedom. I truly believe it is possible for me.

Over the last 4 years I have been able to enjoy the Pizza from Pizza Pilgrims, which was once voted the best pizza in the UK!
I have tried delicious desserts such as crumble from Humble Crumble! And had the freedom to get ice cream and popcorn at the cinema. I have had countless Sunday dinners, home cooked meals, fancy meals out, (vegan) sushi - which is actually my favourite food-
I have the freedom to enjoy chocolate without guilt, and I have been able to enjoy sweets randomly whilst at home, snack when I want and even accomplished one of my biggest recovery goals, which was to eat at the art box cafe in Brighton!

I have experienced so many amazing moments where food was involved, I have celebrated birthdays, weddings, friends achievements and I was able to be truly present in the moment, I was able to not only enjoy the food and feel good, but also able to see the moment for what it was, a time to build memories with friends.

And speaking of friends, that is next on my list of what I gained.

Eating disorders take away everything from us, they eat away at us until there is no longer a person inside, and all we have left is the disorder.
It gives you a complete false sense of control, when in reality, your eating disorder is in control.
It is isolating you from your friends, your family, it burns a hole in your heart and takes away anything that could help you.

Starting recovery was hard, and for the first year I felt out of control, isolated and as though I was loosing myself.
But I wasn’t loosing myself at all, I was loosing the eating disorder.

After a year, I really began to push myself out of my comfort zone. I learned so much about myself and I gained some of the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for.

I have celebrated accomplishments, birthdays, births, marriages and so much more. I have shared incredible moments with people who love me for me. Who want to see me happy and succeed.

I have real friends, who are there for me during the hard times, and celebrate with me during the good.

My friends don’t look at me as “the person with an eating disorder”
they don’t see me as a body.
They see me as a friend who helps them, makes them laugh, is there for them, they see me as an entire person with hopes, dreams, hobbies and aspirations. They see someone they love. Having that kind of love is so healing. It helps push the eating disorder thoughts away. The thoughts of “no-one will love me if I gain weight” aren’t so powerful when you have people around you giving you unconditional love.

The next item on the list is REAL JOY!

Joy comes in all forms, but when you are in the depths of an eating disorder, you often get a sense of “joy” from accomplishing things that your eating disorder is pushing for such as skipping meals or overexercising. This isn’t real joy. These are not moments you strive for, look forward to or want. These are eating disorders pushing a false sense of achievement onto you, in order to keep you trapped.

Experiencing real joy, has been an extremely freeing and fulfilling achievement.

I have found joy in hobbies, hobbies that I do for me and not for my eating disorder. I found joy in the little things such as walking in nature, feeling the rain on my skin, cuddling my cat and even in just watching movies.

I have let myself completely feel every moment, enjoyed live music, petting animals, seeing friends and being able to feel a sense of happiness from things I never thought I would be able to enjoy again.

Which leads nicely into the next thing, which is MY SMILE. I gained my real smile.

I have spent my entire laugh practising a smile that seemed aesthetically pleasing to others, trying to make sure when I smiled I was smiling the right way, when I laughed I was laughing with grace and femininity.

I had such an inability to see myself as a person worthy of living for themselves, and did everything I could to be palatable to others.

I stopped hiding behind a fake smile, fake happiness.
I stopped smiling for the picture, and started to smile in the picture.

I allowed myself to laugh, to really laugh, loudly and without shame. I allowed myself to smile big at things that made me happy.

I no longer felt ashamed of the way my smile looked, or the way my laugh sounded.

I let go of the eating disorder and gained a smile that would plaster itself across my face without hesitation. I now have things to actually smile about.

I embrace who I am, and I truly gained a smile that showcases just how much joy and happiness I experience now.

Next on my list, is MYSELF.

Recovery allowed me to let go of the person I thought I needed to be, and allowed me to become who I truly am.

Starting recovery not only opened up so many opportunities to experience things, such as joy, food freedom and making friends.

It also gave me a way to discover who I truly am, figure out what I really enjoyed. It was as if I was able to start again.

I discovered things about myself that enabled me to answer questions that had plagued me for years.

I discovered that I am Autistic and ADHD.
I discovered a love of creating content, of advocacy for neurodivergent people, including myself, and a feeling of fulfilment within myself.

I began a hobby of pole dancing and fell completely in love with it. It brings me a sense of freedom, and a new found love for my body that I have never experienced before.

I gained so many hobbies such as pole dancing, walking, drawing, baking, watching horror movies, I gained ways to express myself, I gained colour, I gained a sense of self.

I use make-up and fashion to express myself, and I am able to do this without shame.

Developing my own style, has been freeing. Wearing clothes for me, that make me happy, wearing clothes that empower me and make me feel good.

Gaining a person that I am proud to be has been my favourite part of recovery.

But of course, the list doesn’t stop there.

I also gained some of the most AMAZING EXPERIENCES

I could write an entire book listing all the things I have had the pleasure of doing since beginning recovery.

I have travelled to places like Amsterdam, where I tried their famous apple pie and stroop waffles. I learned how to properly ride a bike there, I went to the Van Gogh museum and cried when I saw the sunflower painting in person. I also documented the entire month long trip to upload to my YouTube channel.

I travelled to America and experienced some of the most amazing things in my life such as long boarding on Santa Monica pier, watching the sunset at mission beach in San Diego, I visited Hollywood and travelled around LA. I travelled to Las Vegas where I went to an exclusive pool party at the encore and even got a lap dance from a vegas strip club.

I did the Big Sur road trip and got to see the big red wood trees up close and personal, had the most delicious vegan French toast in the Venetian and even went to Six Flags theme park.

Speaking of theme parks I have been to the night ride events for halloween at Blackpool, rode every ride at alton towers and went to Alton Towers scarefest.

I also went to Brighton and ate at the art box cafe, which was a huge recovery goal of mine.
I spoke at the autism show, and i’m currently training to be an ADHD coach.

I have been to countless concerts, petted cows (my favourite animal!), i’v done corn mazes, pub quizzes, cafe dates, comedy shows, cinema trips, late night ice cream drives, watched sunsets, sunrises, and so much more.

I had my 30th birthday recently. Which is an amazing achievement when we didn’t know if I was going to make it to Christmas 2020.

Here I am, experiencing things I never thought possible, with friends I love with my whole heart, and an entire life ahead of me.
I have lived more in just the last 4 years than I did for the entire time my eating disorder had a hold on me.
I cannot wait to see what more I have to experience.

Last on my list…

I gained a life.

A life I want to continue living. A life I get to live.

To everyone reading this:

You deserve recovery.

No matter where in your journey you are, please know that I am so proud of you.

Adelaide x